Sometimes I look back and reflect and I wonder what made me not want to be in love too.

December 24, 2011

I don't know what it is, but lately, I've been feeling pretty shitty.

It's almost after every little thing, I want to cry. I'm not sure if it's just everything and now I decided to crash, but I hate it.

I can't even really type down my thoughts right now. Whatever it is, I want it to go away. Some Christmas spirit this year.

Maybe it's to end with a Bang.

Why is it during senior year?

Why is it all of a sudden this drama comes up?

We were all fine before. Yes, the occasional "this person did this" or "let's just stay apart" did come up. Problems that solved before the year ended. I know that drama did occur every year. It's just this year, there seems to be an explosion of it because of a gigantic drama orgy felt like throwing a rave party.

Welcome November once more

11/15/2011

It's been a long while since I've last been on Xanga. I think now, I only come here if I want to calm down from the craze of life and settle on something more solid. Traditional or old fashioned maybe. This is not just a blog where I try to type as many meaningful posts as I can. (well, I hope it isn't) That would make me seem as unrealistic, and almost a fraud to who I am. I'm not that meaningful. I post what I like. That's the purpose of a blog: express you. Xanga has been my virtual diary for a while, and will continue to do so. This is the place where I feel safe. This is my true blog.

Yes Tumblr is a lot of fun blogging and reblogging. It has a bunch of my interest and there is so much to see. Though, I can't just blog the same way I did here. It might be the child attachments I have to xanga, but it's not like I exactly mind it. So thank you for being here for me to rest my head upon. This, I am very thankful for.

I hate how emotional I've become

at least I finally got over it now. But my eyes feel crusty 

Sometimes I strongly dislike my parents. I almost forgot I can’t say hate because of it’s “apparently” strong meaning. When a child hates their parents, it’s worse. I’ve been told that. Though, whatever doesn’t work, whenever they can’t figure something out, or whenever I even just simply just get up early, they always say: oh crap. It’s Khristina’s fault. She did it. Oh hey, she doesn’t even get up in the morning. She probably stayed up chatting with her friends letting her grades go down probably just talking about music. Forget that her brothers’ hardly do anything, let’s just say that Khristina did it. Khristina can’t do anything. Why is she so lazy? She doesn’t even get her homework done. What about being a doctor? She’s the reason I feel like I’m killing myself everyday as she just sits in front of the computer. Yelling at her will solve everything. 

Well you know what? Sometimes I just happen to get up. Or that I just happen to have real problems sleeping. No sound on the computer I hardly touch except play a simple song on YouTube ONCE about two weeks ago? Yeah, that one might actually be your fault. That, or you’re computer illiterate. But I think it would help to know during the storm, the water you always leave by the computer, got in the tower. Nice one. I know that I never live exactly how you want me to. That I’m even worse than my brothers. You couldn’t even tell that I burned myself a little under my left eye. You say you care, but that’s only when I do something right. It’s a “finally” moment, isn’t it? Right after that you just dish out of insecurities—my flaws. Any fucking subject or little detail that I hate about myself.

I’m sorry I can’t live up to your expectations and I’m sorry I’m just apparently a person who only knows how to “chat with her friends” and “sleeps all day.” I’m sorry I can’t leave people alone when they call me upset or crying or just looking for a bit of advice. I’m sorry I do the things you always do for your friends. I’m sorry I don’t usually make so-called amazing drawings that you can just show off, because it’s the only thing you can about me. I’m sorry I’m not a printer who can just dish them out whenever you want them. I’m sorry that I’m a moody bitch who only know how to bitch and give you “attitude” when I really don’t. I’m sorry I cannot live a life here before I go off on my own probably hardly seeing a lot of my friends. Why can’t I just be like you want me to? Stupid me, right? Picking a job that won’t last me. Choosing to be with other people that constantly let me know I’m loved even when they go. “Killing” you everyday. If you hate me or dislike me just be straight up with me and say it. Either that or just ignore me just like you always have. Don’t just start coming in like it’s no big deal. Cause that really hurts. I even trusted that you would never ask me that question about my future career. You even became suddenly nice. But that’s when my aunt came over. “Do you have a stuffy nose?” Time to dish out the lame excuse: “It was too cold.” Then comes the “I told you so”s. 

False peace treaties again. And again. And again. I’m tired of them. I don’t want them.

I know that I’m no good. I know that. Damnit. You made me cry over something really stupid.


Sent from my iPod